An interesting time warp happened last week, in case anyone IS actually reading these reviews. Even if you aren’t, which is kind of impossible, considering you are at least glancing at these words right now, it’s fun writing these things and I’m happy to bring my experiences from every wing of Aperture into light. But, [...]

As with most tests, I entered the map in a lift, leaving it into a shaft with videos of Aperture products. Nothing new, nothing original… ooh, a fancy door… Oh, OWW! I should have been given sunglasses…! This chamber is blinding, and quite honestly that is the only thing I can think about when I [...]

Okay, brief part count: Head, check. Legs, check. Gun, check. I seem to be mostly in place, no parts left in the past… Reminds me of the time I-OH MY GOD HELLO MR. FAITH PLATE HOW ARE YOU ON THIS FINE DAY! Physics still apply to me, I’m not walking through walls, so that’s very [...]

As a general rule of thumb, don’t ever do science unless you are sure you have the right equipment. If you don’t have the right equipment it’s a safety hazard, and that’s where you get all of those repetitive punny safety posters in high school labs. [Handle test tubes like a gun, they might go [...]

The Lift dropped me off in one of the unfixed Test chambers. The test chamber seems a little too quiet. It looks like the speakers are out. It seems that that isn’t the only thing working. The number screen at the start of each test reads 00. Sometimes I wonder if GLaDOS seals me in [...]

///:defunct{++2 … ////////LOADING//////// ////startvisualfeed(camera1,fov = 90 ////LOADING… 29%.. ////LOADING… 68%.. ////LOADING… 99%.. ////LOADING… 99%.. ////LOADED! CONTINUE=YES//////// ~~ ///BEGIN We arrived on separate platforms, separated by glass and space. Which was weird, as we hadn’t been separated since the first calibration… What was GLaDOS doing? She started spouting off all the ways humans could die, but [...]

I woke from stasis today, not knowing or caring exactly how long I had been sleeping, when I noticed something strange. I had awoken from stasis. By myself. Where was GLaDOS? Meh, well, no big deal, she left a test for me, hopefully she’ll leave me alone and let me do it, free from further [...]